I’m not using a throwaway account because, after what I’ve done, I feel like I have no right to hide.
I’m 18 now, but when our relationship started, I was 17. My boyfriend at the time was the same age. We were long-distance and completely okay with that. We hit it off instantly. We both knew we liked each other for a while until I finally asked him out.
Here is the tricky part: I hate the way I look, and I made the horrible mistake of catfishing him using another person’s photos. It worked for a while. We ended up being together for almost a year without him finding out. As much as I hate to admit it, of all my relationships, this was the one where I actually fell in love. I knew it was wrong, but when I first started the lie, I never thought the relationship would actually get this far. But it did.
I won’t get into all the details, but we eventually hit a rough patch over something dumb I said. Months prior, I had given him access to my Instagram account. During this rough patch, he logged in to text my mom from my account just to check up on me. It went horribly. My mom, being my mom, started a conversation with him. Somehow I still don’t even know how she ended up revealing everything.
That same day, he found out what I actually looked like. He was dumbfounded not by my looks, but by the fact that I had been lying to him for months. I tried over and over to apologize, but it did nothing. I ruined my relationship.
It has been four months since we broke up, and we haven’t spoken since. I miss him so bad. I have so much I want to fix, but I know I have no right to after lying to him for so long. I stalk his socials constantly. I’ve seen him get into other relationships, but they never last. All I know right now is that he’s single. I always watch his reposts on TikTok. A few of them mention us some say how he misses the connection he thought we had, and others are slandering me, which I honestly understand.
I’m not sure what to do or how to move on. I want him back so bad, but I don’t have the balls to reach out after the way we last talked.
We used to have a Minecraft realm together. He left it, but I never stopped paying for it. I keep it active just so I can log in and see our beds placed next to each other, and the dogs we used to fight over the names of. I once made him a build for our anniversary, and he exploded it before he left the realm that night. Sometimes I just listen to the playlist I made for him during our first week together and run around the world.
It makes me sick. I miss him, and I hate what i did. I wish I never did those things.
If you ever see this: I love you, and I am so sorry.
